The future brother-in-law of none other than Matty Thomas, Will has been awarded a
player profile after months of excessive pestering. One of the many super small boys
to roll off the Green’s production line, Baker has unluckily been left out of the county
squad for 2010 due to breaking an ankle before trials. Ideal number 3 batsman, has
the ability to guide any ball through backward point no matter how many fielders are
there. Talking of fielding, Will runs Milo close for the worst smallboy fielder award.
Famous For:
Big Deano, Getting knocked off feet by full pitched bowling
Do Mention:
Runs, The Blues,
Don’t Mention:
Fielding
Nicknames - Bruna Bat - RH Strength - Captain Marvel
The flame haired sweaty sock, now in his 4th season at the Stately home. Captain marvel has re constructed the 1st XI after several high profile defections to lower league clubs in recent years. Still running in with all the purpose and passion as he did for Warwickshire over the past twenty years, the only difference now being the keeper is stood up.
A giant of the league and has guided his new young side expertly. A true lover of the game who can often be found on Sky Pro 40 nights boring the audience to death with fellow 'B' team presenters and former England 'also rans' Chris Adams and Ian Ward. Lives in the next road to Gary and consequently spends three evenings a week having his a*** licked. A much loved figure, head of the club.
Famous for - Mr Cricket, being a Jock, crap hair
Do mention - Long Spells, lots of wickets, hot girlfriend
Don't mention – Getting Covers on, 93 plate 320 BMW .
Nicknames - Crouch! Bat - Right H Strength - Bores the opposition into submission
Rapidly improving with the Bat, Rodney has the ability to become a good 2nd team player, with a great 90 last year and then talking us through every ball for three hours after. Has physique of Peter Crouch and Paul Wellars hair. Not a great year but will make it back to his best next year.
Famous For - Solo runs in club 5 a side, Crouch
Do Mention - Charlatans, Oasis, The Villa, Snobs
Don't Mention - Crap hair style, trying to look like Ian Brown
Nicknames - Cowley Bat - Right H Strength - Worlds slowest seam bowling
Promoted by Head to the 2nd XI Captaincy made an immediate impact with 30 wickets and a very successful campaign. Unfortunately after 3 promotions, 2 leaving, and 2 retirements, the 07/08 seasons proved less than fruitful. led with dignity and calm in tough times and is respected by all (except opposition batsman who average more than 11). Is a bit of a (married) ladies man, so if your getting hitched (Smith / Saunders) watch out.
Famous for - Getting wickets with shit, Blind dates at New Street Station
Do Mention - first year as skipper,
Don't Mention - Head/Max , Your girlfriend, George Lucas!
Nicknames - Dad, Crayts Bat - Right H Strength - Bit of an allrounder
Now the 2nd team skipper, appeared off season from the inner city village and famous Barnt Green Nursery club Weoley Hill, which he left in controversial circumstances. Has added another all-rounder to the championship chasing seconds. Bowls floating off spin, and bats with determination and guile.
Has bought the lovely Sam to spearhead the forth team attack also. Was difficult to understand at first due to the thickness of his Birmingham accent. He is really a 3rd teamer in second team clothes, but has proved vital.
Famous for – Punching lights out of Weoley Hill committee man, swearing.
Do mention – 31* at the Hill
Don’t mention – Wearing mobile phone holster on belt (oh dear)
Nicknames - Head, Poison Dwarf Bat - Right H Strength - Irritation
Rated by every club in the midlands as the most irratating player on the circuit and our own winner of the C U Next Tuesday of the decade award More theories than pythagoras, none of which have worked to date in a quarter of a century of trying.
Can only hit boundaries at the stately when the 2's are playing on the beer wicket, has only ever once hit a maximum and that was in the nets off the edge against pollocks bowling machine at 94mph. Boyfriends littered around the circuit (2's circuit) none of whom actually like him but he likes them. Brother of 3rd team skip, wigley, neither have bought a round at the club since the day they joined when they were just trying to make friends. Respect where due though skippered 2's for a decade and has scored a fair few thousand runs for the Stately (90% on a Sunday).
Famous For: Affair with Thorney throughout the 90's, claiming to be best buddies with Gladstone Small, betfair losses to the value of a 6 bed detached in barnt green.
Don’t mention: Price of league dinner tickets, clarkey, anyone who leaves the club, anything over 200 brake horse, 1st team favouritism.
Do mention: Bushman, Village, Coxy, Leo, HMP Redditch, laying the draw, commission, 24/7 b8llsh1ting.
Nicknames - Wiggly, Wiggla Bat - Right H Strength - Allrounder
Brother of Head, but has blood relations to Clarkey as is nearly as tight. 3rd team captain now and has transformed himself into a batsman, and has emptied bars across the county with 30* (112) all season. Had to buy a fresh bottle of linseed oil for his pads Remarkably finished 5h in league bowling averages in 99, ( when the grounds were bigger). Has better record with women than his elder and was once caught red handed tucking into SG in women's toilet at club bash. Thinks he can play football, but can't.
Famous for - Mr Wiggly - Nick name from old girlfriend referring to man hood, being an all-rounder.
Do Mention - Taking a catch of Thornies bowling against Walmley in 98
Don’t Mention - 150 mile round trip via Wolverhamton to Claverly.
Nicknames - Gorbachev, Bat - RH Strength - Slip Drives
'Gorbachev', has made a return 17 years from his last appearance. Another child of the Jim Morgan 80s Colmers Farm era (others, Leo, Stickman, Head, Crouch,).
Already proving to be a dependable opener in Wiggleys 'Kurds'. Not know for expansive stroke play and once scored 1 in 15 overs for Worcestershire U14s. With Doddy, Wig and Dave in the top 4 don't bother wandering up to the Douglas to have a look, you will need some anti depressants after 5 overs.
Do Mention - Slip Drives and late cuts
Don't Mention - Just for Men, Russia, the Blues.
Famous for - Taking the field as small boy in First team when not selected.
Nicknames - Doddy, Dodders Bat - Left H Strength - Batting
The rock of the Saturday 3rds. Had a good season in 2005 with the bat.
Always the first into the pavilion for the tea interval where Steve keeps an up to date score of the opposition teas. There would be more quick singles if the bails were replaced with brandy snaps.
Famous for - Elegant strokes & speed between the wickets
Do mention - Cakes apple crumble, sticky toffee pudding, AVFC
Don't mention - Spin bowlers and team selection
Nicknames - "Shut up Max" Bat - Right H Strength - Away swing
Youngest son of chairman Jim and mental age of a 6 year old, resembles Harry Enfields character Kevin. Has girls hair and the pace to match.
Since Dagger has left, Max has taken over as the worst fielder / village idiot in the side, underlined by 5 dropped catches at Old Hill in 2006.
Only talks to girls about cricket and is therefore still a virgin.
Famous For – Annoying the Hell out of everyone
Do Mention – 3 for 3 v Halesowen
Dont Mention - Living away from Mommy
Nicknames - Milo Bat - Right H Strength - Batting allrounder
One of the clubs new hopes, Miles has shown great promise with his flighted off breaks and expansive stroke play.
Is not old enough to go to his Dad's clubs yet so can usually be found worshipping Lamby with the other smalb's.
Miles has a typically laid back - teenage attitude to life & fielding, Is a stuborn batsman & will not walk even if all three stumps have been uprooted.
Famous for - Being Stringfellow's son, Not walking
Do Mention - 6 wickets against Newport for the 2's
Don't Mention - Fielding for 50 overs
Nicknames - Stringfellow Bat - Strength - Club man
'Strigfellow' has been one of the major working influences on the juniors over the last five years. A true club man dedicated to the development of the juniors and the club as whole. Can often be found in his diet Porsche supporting whoever is at home.
Do Mention - How Miles is doing
Dont Mention - London Night club owners
Famous for - See picture
Nicknames - Genders, Vernon Bat - Right H Strength - Out swing
Web master Tom has been wasting the new ball for 4 seasons now. Imported from hamlet neighbours Alvechurch Tom is primarily a second team seamer but through wild fluctuations in form has actually represented the 4ths and 3rds, and last season during a purple patch was elevated to the ones by Douglas Brown (8 - 0 - 70 -0).
A quiet, sophisticated individual whose full time occupation is one of an artist, woooooooooooooo.
Tom proved very popular selection with former skipper Gary, as his lovely girlfriend Julia was just within his target age range. Like Max, Tom chooses the longer hair arrangement and resembles northern comedian Vernon Kay.
Do Mention - Outwsing.
Don't Mention - Post modern art, batting 11.
Famous for - His bird, Moaning about the strength of orange squash.
Nicknames - Bean Bat - LH Strength - Looking village but still dispatching 1st team bowlers
Bean took a year away from the spotlight in 2009 leaving for division one garden centre Dorridge, (Manchester City of 1st division) claiming it was nothing to do with the £4/run and that he wanted to further his career and become a 'genuine all rounder'. This failed miserably with just one wicket in Graham Williamson and 4 in the league at a cost similar to that of a 5 bed detached in Barnt Green.
Having begged the cricket committee vice chairman to take him back we have relented.
The imminent baby bean and Dallaway class paperwork will restrict his appearances, but these will be mostly for the promotion chasing 2nds. Welcome back a true Barnt Green legend and lesson to all the others that the grass remains green at the Stately Home
Do mention: Loyalty, 5000 League runs
Don't mention: Take a blow bean
Famous for: Fronting exodus at end of '09 season, coming back, being the best bat in the club
Nicknames - Combo Bat - Strength - Bowling at smalbs
Retired to maturnity duties, Brian Robson of club cricket was injured for 3/4 of the season when playing. Capable of making tail end small boys in the seconds dance and top order batters in the first laugh. Talks a good game / work / politics/ music........
Difficult to dislike, b Has lovely baby Eve to care for now and has been breast feeding her Guinness.
Famous for - 16 pints a night
Do mention - K and D 2001 (3 - 35).
Don't mention - Courchevel. David Lloyd, half pints, Pierre Cardin, looking like Peter Kay.
Nicknames - Rob Bat - Right H Strength - Keeping, batting
Robbie plays for the 3rd team on a Saturday and now captains the Sunday 1st's. Is really improving with the gloves and is striving to hit the ball off the square with the bat this season.
Famous for - Rock star looks, great defence talks posh, arranging nights out then not turning up.
Do mention - The new bird, Villa, his dog.
Don't mention - The X, getting out last ball of the game while trying to hit a half tracker for the winning runs against Bromsgrove last season, resulting in a defeat.
Known only as 'pob', (1980s Channel 4 puppet). A well respected pub number 3 who can despatch filth with ease, and has talked himself into Wiggleys Kurds. The original bullshiting man, If talking was on Olympic sport Pob would be the greatest Olympian. If you think Head is irritating then spend an hour with Pob on the way to an away game at Stourbridge social. Can hold court in the pavilion for hours telling small boys about his 15 and lofted straight drive to get off the mark.
Daughter Keira recently asked Bernard 'Why is my daddy not playing on the big pitch' - Reply 'Because hes crap'.
Famous For - Talking
Do Mention - Being picked.
Don't Mention - Backing away to Dan Maynard 1995, Diet Porsche
Nicknames - Monty, Wheely Bin, Angry Bear Bat - RH Strength - Up the hill dependency
A mainstay of the 4s since the dark days of Nige Rees, the folically challenged Jonty has worked his way up to the much coveted vice captaincy. Lets not talk about his batting but with the ball, since the change from gentle spin to slightly faster spin, Jonty has been getting at least one wicket every fortnight. The biggest Villa basher at the club, quite an achievement considering he supports them.
Do mention – Record as Captain
Don’t mention – Kipsta whites
Famous for – His old dear coming to watch the 4s on horseback
Nicknames - Kimbers, Kimbo Bat - RH Strength - Heave over cow
Saturdays 3rds and 4ths veteran Paul continues to turn out for the Green in gear pinched from the pro’s at Edgbaston. Still recovering from being hit in the face by the slowest bouncer ever recorded in 2008, it is said that the speed gun couldn’t pick up the ball but did clock his cap falling off his head at a speed of 20mph, well bowled smalls. Has recently dabbled in the world of catalogue modeling, judge the results for yourself.
Famous for – Jumping ship mid-Ashes, Invasion of personal space, being injured.
Do Mention – 97 at Moseley whilst injured
Don’t Mention – Coombs Wood, Injuries, Bouncers
Nicknames - Thing Bat - Left H Strength - Batting allrounder
The 'Thing' is the new hard hitting second team machine, underlined by an unbeaten century in second league game of 09. Dave is only 15 but resembles a 30 year old wrestler and has been slaughtering small boy attacks at will. Bowls wicket to wicket and could prove the player of the season for Marks 2nd XI.
Do Mention - Half Volleys
Don't Mention - KFC
Famous For - Fantastic 4
Nicknames - Faf, Albie Morkel, Steve Waugh, the future. Bat - Right H Strength - Rolex Timing
The younger brother of Dave, Matty Lamb is the biggest thing to come out of Catshill since his old man on the way to the Vic. Rightly promoted to the 3rds this season after 2008 & 09 impressing in the 4ths, Matt will be hoping to score the runs and take the wickets that will haul Wigley’s “Dad’s Army” into the top 5 of the league. Made his 1st team debut in the national knockout away at Smethwick in 2010 at age 13, must be a record.
Do Mention - Kevin Doyle, N-Dubz, Toni & Guy
Don't Mention - Getting Out
Famous For - Ton at 12, Being Better Than Dave, Terrible chirps
Nicknames - Lowe, Lowy, Brummie filth, number 12 Bat - struggles Strength - Enthusiasm, making a meal of easy catches.
Lowey the slowy has taken over Cowley's role as slowest seamer in the club. Was "pinched" from nieghbours Alvechurch in Winter 09/10, well they actually asked him to leave because of the damage done to their pavilion during his bowling spells.
Paul has fitted in nicely to the third team stiff brigade especially with all the other Bluenosed, skin headed, tattooed brummies. (Deaks/Phipps, Cowley)
Bowling style of beer game pro, he likes to appeal if he gets one to pitch on the strip. He has taken some important wickets and has the most unorthodox catching style in the game; he looks like he has been taught by catching a frisbee in his mouth.
Famous for – Brushing his hairless scalp with a hair brush after a shower. Bringing the kids to every game pretending it’s a day out, riddiculous appeals,
Do Mention – catches, Leyland Daf tattoo, Classic football kits, his kids completing a full season supporting Blues home and away, Clean bowled Head in a Wednesday night game 2008.
Don’t mention – Alvechurch, Batting, thinking he’s a zulu warrior.
Nicknames - Jimmy, Ginger, Mr Warwick Bat - RH Strength - Tickets to Edgbaston
Mr Warwickshire sorts his mates out with England and Bears tickets all the time, just none of his cricket mates who pay full price and queue up for an hour to get in the ground.
Jim is a new player to the green joining the thirds last year and cementing his place in the top order with some nice paced and straight batting 40 and 50’s. Loves the game and tell the lads the tales from Edgbaston every week. Thinks he can bowl quickly but cant, is a nice calm guy in the changing room.
Do mention - Warwickshire, Pompey, Ashes
Don’t Mention - Getting lost away to claverly 08, Wednesday Test Matches.
Famous for Getting the lads tickets to sit in the members stand and his slow batting.
Nicknames - BEAST Bat - RH Strength - Ability to sweep everything
Bob has returned from the betting suite in his house to play for the club again after several years away.
Is known as The Beast for his incredible drinking ability, spending many nights sat in the pavilion
drinking others into a coma. He has the batting style of a twinkle toes angel but looks like a fat slogger.
Do mention - Portugal, bet fair, Albion, sweeping SB spinners for 20 years
Don’t Mention - Kit man, Fussy, being run out by wiggly
Best mate with above and after begging the author has been included on player profiles ( 3 / 4 team players are not deemed important enough).
When England slogger Kevin Pietersen has he hair cut he takes a photo of Matt to show stylist. Bowls gentle medium pace suitable for Children but like most 4th teamers if you can pitch it you will get wickets. Another nice lad but needs to get out more and spends most Fridays watching legends of cricket in his bedroom on Sky
Famous For - KP hair style
Do Mention - Religion
Don't Mention - Going to Snobs on a Friday and talking about the Villa for 4 hours.
Nicknames - Nolan Bat - RH Strength - Slog over mid-wicket
Jonty’s biggest contribution to the 4ths, tennis coach Lee plays where he likes, when he likes. Has a technique that looks like he’s nailing down some decking but somehow manages to consistently farm small boys over cow-corner on the Douglas ground.
Do mention – 126 against Pelsall in 2006
Don’t mention – Bowling, Keeping, Commitment
Famous for – Mouse in his batting glove at first outdoor net of 2008
Nicknames - Phippsy, Phipps, Phippo, Phipp Bat - Not really Strength - Scraping together 11 on a friday night when skipper.
If there were club rankings the hapless Dans would be in 3 figures. Can make a slow full toss on leg stump look like Warne's 'ball of the century' from 93 that bowled Gatting. If you every wanted living proof that practice does NOT make perfect then Phippsy would be your man.
Although we thought Kitmans record as a player would never be eclipsed, it appears it has, Dan spends approximately 18 hours a week (17 batting) in the nets, with under 12 seamers testing his technique. In '06 when put up against the 1st team bowlers was quoted saying to KP when returning the ball ' KP get me out of here'. This aside he is a committed club man and renowned former captain of the 4ths (we have no 5th team).
Famous For: Hard on when dueting with Sam Crayton at club karaoke, Proctecting the better 4th team players for 4 years by talking down their performances.
Do mention: Unscheduled net sessions after work, Valencia Road.
After an impressive first season at the club with countless Saturday morning call ups to the 1s due to back problems that have now left for Walsall, Powelly has been elevated to the Sunday 1st team captaincy, good luck. With one of the oldest gray-nicolls bats still in use on the club circuit, Matt’s presence in the 2nds top order is vital until Head runs him out. Has a boring job to go with his boring personality, commitment cant be questioned as he drives from the black country to represent the stately home.
Famous for – Cant play 5-a-side as having a roast dinner.
Do mention: First bowling spell for the Green, Stourbridge Ton
Keiran now into 6th seaon, and has become a lower order finisher for the ones, still quality and missed by the stiffs. Has finished uni now and works at Birmingham Midshires on the counter
Famous for - Match winning 40*
Do Mention - Extra Cover drives, bowling for the 2's
Don't Mention - Cashier number 4 please, bowling for the 1's
Managed to talk his way into the second team for several seasons by way of his posh accent and aesthetically pleasing cover-drive.
Had quite a good campaign in 2007,but shocking 2008 and 2009. Therefore decided to throw in the towel rather than play on in Wigley's Kurds. A likeable chap with ICC world ranking number one wife Rebecca, Dans appearance whilst chasing leather is one of a Panto horse at full stretch running across the stage. Now a regional manager at Michael Page! Wow
Famous for- Matching winning 30* against the odds to win the game in relegation fight with council houses, legendry
Do Mention - His bird, being 2.5 Player, Golf, not missing Cricket,
Don't Mention - Fielding, Banksy, too much pressure, Tres style break down, missing Cricket.
Where do we start with this one. As they are never more than 1 yard from each other, its only natural for there profile to be one of the same, especially as not everyone can distinguish anyway. Both ex Warwick small boys who played for Kings Heath for quarter of a century without missing a game, and after finally consuming every penny they decided to move on. Being teachers they have the same amount of time off as Judith Chalmers and spend most of this perfecting the off drive in the garage.
Famous for – Looking like each other, red inkers
Do mention – Runs, technique, availability
Don't mention – bowling / keeping, Stratford , M and B, getting the covers on, fielding at mid on (boring), fielding at slip.
An excellent signing in 2009, 1st team vice captain and number 3. Unfortunately fronts curly permed hair and gayish appearance similar to that of Norwegian band A Ha.
An ultra orthodox number 3 who impressed in first season with 500 runs and match winning century against arch enemies Walsall. Has bought new signings and worked effortlessly to help improve the team and club. A close disciple of Dougie and stands in for Gary when the skippers grass needs cutting or kit needs washing.
Do Mention - 1st Season
Don't Mention - Coxy
Famous for - 100* against Walsall, licking Dougies arse
Nicknames - Smithy, 11 Bat - Right H Strength - Wicket Keeping
Smith, Adam
Kind of a Matt Prior that bats 11. Moved on to Lego land with Dallaway and spends most Fridays watching the Golden Girls and talking about Ikea. Is getting married this year, and will undoubtedly be playing from Bromsgrove in the next few seasons as he also winds down his career.
Keeps in touch will all former Green 1st teamers and boasts Gareth Williams as one his clients within his financial advice portfolio. Into his 10th season and still a crucial part of the machine, must be doing something right to keep Head out the 1st team.
Famous For - Taking the piss, quick runs, looking like Will Young, his stag do, talking about pu88ey to his wife and Bean.
Do Mention - Player of the year, Z4 3.0 Sport
Don't Mention - Family parties
Nicknames - Stocksy Bat - Left H Strength - Swinging hard
Now retired and slimmer- Stocksy was a crucial part of 2nd and 3rds pinch hitting. Has a technique based on backing away and launching it over extra. Has great chirps and was nearly as disliked as Head by the opposition
Famous for - Girlfriend slapping incident in pavilion
Do mention - Extra cover
Don't mention - Being scared of the ball, technique, Mc Donald's
FORMER PLAYER
Nicknames - Matty T Bat - Right H Strength - Douglas Ground Bouncers
More famous for his womanising of local Barnt Green SG’s than for cricket (see black eye in photo), Matt has finally been awarded a profile after 4 seasons of loyal service to the stately home. Can often be found recounting tales of lovers lost in the clubhouse after giving pre-pubescent batsmen nightmares on the Douglas. After a long overdue call up to the 3rds in 2009, Matt responded with a 6 wicket haul including a hat-trick. Has the tools in the box, just needs to learn how to use them properly.
Do Mention - Birds, Birds, Stella, Birds and the Albion
Don't Mention - Allotments, Pitching It Up
Famous For – Debut 3rds Hat Trick, Returning His Shirt to 4s Skipper In Tantrum
Nicknames - Warner, Spaceman, Mullally Bat - Right H Strength - Gentle Swing, getting a lift home after nets
Left-arm virgin Rob has been chucking it for the Green for nearly 10 years. Swings it in the nets but only because he spends his nights preparing his cricket ball for practice with his mom’s hairspray. Consequently struggles on a Saturday (Sunday is Football Manager day) but has somehow managed to improve his batting, but he still cant hit it off the square.
Do mention – Newbery Uzi
Don’t mention – Alex McLeish, His sister
Famous for – “Do you want this pint lads, I’ve got to go and do some gardening”
Nicknames - Granny, know it all, Woody Bat - Right H Strength -Attacking batting style
Woody to his mates, so everyone at the club calls him Gary. Joined as a small boy and came through the ranks, where he has established himself as a second/third team player with some aggressive batting.
Was originally an effective swing bowler, who showed plenty of promise until one day he woke up and decided he could not make the part of his brain that tells him to release the ball work anymore. Therefore had to reinvent himself as batsmen. Like’s to talk and inform the skipper that he has ideas on every aspect of the game including; batting order, bowlers rotation, field placing, wickets, outfield, showers, teas and after game beers.
Don’t Mention, Yips, Cant hold the ball in his hand anymore, Yips and having the yips.
Do Mention, Girlfriend with BT, Brothers, Frankly, opinions on cricket and football.
Famous For – Knowing everything, Always up town, enthusiasm, thinking his a lot better than he is, ‘come on the wreen ‘
